Gratitude - My Saving Grace

Right after Haley died, I felt many heavy emotions – agony, sadness, sorrow, loneliness, overwhelm, despair – also called “negative” emotions. Much to my surprise, I also felt gratitude. I don’t think I would have named it as such at the time, but in those moments that Haley’s nurse spent with me, I was so appreciative of her gentle approach, her care of Haley’s body and of me, her compassion. In my darkest moment, I was able to feel gratitude. Since that day, I believe that openness to noticing and focusing on gratitude has been my saving grace.

In the months that followed Haley’s death, I had lots of time to myself while my other kids were at school and Greg was at work. Alongside my sadness, I also felt gratitude rising in my memories of all we had been through over the past many months. I was somehow compelled to put that gratitude into action by communicating my thanks to many. My mom had shown me the way throughout her life – she was a fantastic writer of thank you cards. Not merely a “Thanks for the gift” note, but a detailed recounting of the way a gift or an experience, such as a dinner with our family, had felt for her.  My dad joined her in his retirement years – their many hand-written cards are amongst my most cherished possessions. 

I was not as diligent a thank you card writer as they were, but after Haley died, I bought a few boxes of cards and began to write. I wrote to those who had created special experiences for Haley, and delivered them with homemade cookies, feeling that I could never thank those people enough for what they’d done to give Haley such joy and giving the rest of us lifelong memories.

I wrote cards to every staff member at the hospital I could think of – nurses, child life specialists, physiotherapists, peds aides, unit clerks, doctors, radiation techs, food service workers – so many people had impacted Haley’s life, and my life too. For each person, I recalled and relayed something they’d done with or for Haley that stood out in my mind and that would not be forgotten. I bought hand creams in a special scent to remind them of Haley to go with the cards and brought them to the hospital. Again, as with those who had created special experiences, I could never thank them enough.

Writing those thank you cards was therapeutic as it forced my mind to think of the good memories, the special interactions, the gratitude I felt towards each and every one of those human beings. The inward recollections of gratitude were beneficial to me, and the acts of conveying my gratitude through writing were equally important. If they were meaningful to the recipients, that would be an added bonus to me. 

Gratitude early in grief may not be a natural feeling for many. It may not appear amidst those many “negative” emotions. Not everyone has the time, the energy, or the inclination to express gratitude after their child dies. I hope that those in their orbit, and those in my orbit who I did not express my gratitude to, can forgive us.

I recall mentioning gratitude during a grief support group. I felt terrible for suggesting it when one parent quickly replied, “I have absolutely nothing to be grateful for.”  Grief is individual – I cannot say that gratitude is accessible to every grieving person. All I know is that it worked for me, easing my anguish, softening my anger, allowing me to focus on all the positives of Haley’s living rather than dwelling entirely on not having her with me.

In February of 2011, just over three years after Haley died, I started a daily gratitude practice that I’ve continued to this day. I’ve found that morning is my best time to write, and it starts my day with a positive reflection on the day prior – what was I grateful for? It began as a 40-day Lenten goal. I’ve heard many times that it takes 21 days to form a habit - the Catholic practice adds 19 extra days to ensure it sticks! 

These could be very small things – sunshine, a delicious bite, the invention of bi-focal contact lenses, an interaction with a family member, my warm boots on a cold day – anything that comes to mind. It started out with three, just three, and most days, they come pretty easily. Some days, the list is longer. On difficult days, including those that are heavy with grief, they might be harder to find, but they are always there. I’ve written on more than one occasion, “Grateful for the end of a difficult day.”

Intentionally focusing on gratitude has cultivated a step beyond gratitude to living gratefully. It is now an approach rather than a once a day practice – I feel over the years, I’ve become more grateful in the moment, rather than just upon reflection. This little shift has been immensely comforting, and has made a significant difference to me on my grief journey.